AM I REAL?
AM I REAL?
Am I Real? OCD Zine
I fall into my compulsions to feel like I have control over my life, but sometimes it feels like someone else is controlling me.
A zine is the opportunity to create artwork revolving an obsession, but what does the word “obsession” mean to someone with OCD?
Conceptual expression has always been something that came naturally to me. Though, expressive execution hasn’t always shown through in my design work over the years. As a student who his heavily fixated on getting technical details neat and tidy; I have been fearful of experimenting and becoming more loose with my work. With this zine, I wanted to emphasize the idea of being so obsessed with a topic—that I created something both visually and conceptually out of my comfort zone.
SKILLS
Concept Development
Editorial Design
Print & Binding
Typographic Exploration
COURSE
Zines (Advanced Projects II)
Anthony Leone, MassArt 2022
After exploring various different topics, I realized my interests weren’t entirely obsessive as a zine would typically suggest. I then decided to take this opportunity to create a piece that supported my current mental wellbeing at the time. Though I have lived with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) for a few years, I had never been properly diagnosed until the semester that I worked on this project. I am currently diagnosed with existential OCD, also known as philosophical OCD. This zine was my way of learning cognitive behavioral therapy. I had to become more aware of my compulsions and face the daily tasks that made me fearful or anxious, in order to go against what my instincts think is “helping”.
Each spread has a torn insert of a section from my manifesto (pasted below). The images and poetry within each spread follows each written section as a part of the narrative I wanted to share. I personally reached out to poets who wrote about their experiences with OCD through Reddit and Tumblr to include in this zine (credited below). Some spreads include AI generated images that were created when asked “What does OCD feel like?”.
Poem Credits:
“Am I A Good Person?” by Saf (maggiesbell)
“My winning poem about OCD” by ForeverLearning
“Itch Me Mad” by Bettine Takvam (26letterscombined)
Design Choices
Color; With the amount of frustration I feel with having OCD, I wanted to pair colors that felt full of rage. Red symbolizing passion, and black representing dread; both sitting on opposite ends of the spectrum yet feeling like one emotion when paired together. The contrast of black ink on the red paper emphasizes the striking back and forth that I feel when experiencing certain compulsive rituals, such as needing to flip a light switch a certain amount of times in order to feel secure.
Typography; There are various type pairings within this zine, however I tried to keep the pairings consistent in using hand lettered type with monospace typefaces. The two main typography styles represent the two opposing “voices” I feel clash when I’m struggling to stay grounded. The monospace type is “the robot” voice that tells me to follow suit with a ritual that helps me relieve my anxiety. The display type represents the voice that is more scrambled and unraveled due to losing my sense of independence. The serif typeface used throughout the manifesto inserts are my genuine voice, one that is grounded and is able to block out the noise.
Printing; Printed with 8.5x5.5" dimensions (saddlestitch binding on 8.5x11" 25lb paper). Master copy printed on inkjet to maintain coarse texture to pair with the roughness of the visual textures within the zine. Shared copies printed on laser to easily mass-produce.
Manifesto
The fear of needing my life to be in order has consumed me for far too long. I live life in fear, not about the typical fears such as spiders, heights, and death. Though I am also fearful of those things, I found that the minor hindrances in my life have caused me the most pain.
I grew up a natural leader, an organizer, someone you could depend on. My need to be reliable was based on my need to please people. Can others rely on me? Am I good enough for them? I felt that if I could serve purpose in other people’s lives, then that was my purpose in life. My anxiety that started from pleasing other people turned into questioning my future. Can I rely on other people? Would others do the same for me?
To this day I wonder: What is my purpose in life? How much control do I have? What can I do to ensure that I will feel fulfilled towards the end of my time? Everything I do is with intent, and if something goes wrong along the way- then it’s my fault. If I try my best to control everything in my life, nothing will go wrong. This has also left me feeling helpless. I find that I blame myself for things out of my control, even though I know that logically it isn’t my fault. Maybe if I flipped the lightswitch correctly, the house would not have burned down. Maybe if I had fixed it while I had the chance, it would not have escalated the way that it did. I put my family into harms way because I couldn’t fix a simple mistake. Something that could’ve been prevented, but I overlooked. Now, I can’t overlook anything. Everything has consequences, and if it doesn’t look in order, look right, sound right, smell right, then it is wrong.
But is it really my fault? Does my existence create such a catastrophic domino effect? Why do my actions matter? I am one out of 7 billion other people to exist, yet I blame myself for doing day to day tasks. Does it really matter? Am I even real?
The smallest decisions in my life began to eat away at me. I wasted 5, 10, 15 minutes of my day. Each decision added up to costing me hours of the week, all because I was worried about hurting people or getting hurt myself. It became more frequent and obvious over the years. I could only eat steak with a fork with a specific number of prongs. I could only take eggs from the left side of the carton. No matter the person or how the compulsion would manifest, the end result would always be drastic. Somehow, the way I interact with an inanimate object could lead to a loved one’s passing. I have absolutely no control over life or death, but the compulsions make me feel like I have a shot of preventing harm. I fall into my compulsions to feel like I have control over my life, but sometimes it feels like someone else is controlling me.